Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
