I wish my penis had an off switch
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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