There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
