but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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