...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
