I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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