Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
