Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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