I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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