Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
