dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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