I faked an abortion last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
ok first of all what the fuck
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
