I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
