he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
