i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
