I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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