Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
