I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
