I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
