im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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