It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
