Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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