You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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