She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
