now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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