i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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