Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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