Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
