She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
