He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
