you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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