i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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