I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
