Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Less talking, more tequila
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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