ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i think i just lost a toe
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
