for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
