96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
