he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
