Umm I'm too high to move.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
