if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
