I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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