i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
