I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
