one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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