question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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