I am in a vortex of obligation.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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