I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
