I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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