Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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