i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
